A Personal Testimony By Yodhananta Soewandi
Identity Mentor & Body Optimization Specialist
Thanks to the Disney company, letting go has become a global catchphrase with both positive and negative connotations. However, regardless of the impact it creates it highlights a very important human issue as creatively portrayed by Queen Elsa in Disney’s movie Frozen. As human beings experience unpleasant and potentially traumatic things in life as a part of the human experience, but rarely does the world help in guiding us through it, as simply put by Elsa “Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know”. As innocent as these words may seem coming out of a Disney character, it underlines the social paradigm of anchoring your self-worth to the opinion of others and to not show vulnerability. It is this very belief system we find ourselves emotionally stunted and suppressed as if forced to find answers and solutions ourselves. Starting from childhood all the way to adult life we are collecting both emotional and mental baggage which most of us carry for most of our lives, but due to how pervasive the social paradigm is it has become normalized and rather a regular habit of mankind which makes it that much more difficult to understand and reconcile. So you find yourself at a certain age at a certain juncture in your life where you have layers upon layers of unresolved internal strive which you have realized and want to let go. But the ultimate question is how do you do it?
I am sure many of us, including myself, have wished at least once that letting go can be a magic word that “poofs” our troubles and burdens away in an instant, and for some instances and individuals it may be the case. But I had to do it the old fashion way through process, patience and time. As someone who experienced molestation at the age of 10, I found very difficult to reconcile the experience with my own feelings of the situation, as a young naïve child I was presented with affirmation from my molester that the act was a form of love and care which conflicted with my own feelings of being used which later grew into anger as I gained a new perspective through media and my own readings explaining what happened to me was wrong. As this realization settled into my psyche like a rock sinking down into the depths of the ocean, the anger only grew igniting a storm in the skies above.
However I was an obedient member of society with no words to say and only silence to give, I drowned in my own cesspool of dark emotions and thoughts hoping someone would save me or I would somehow disappear in it. So for years I allowed the inner storm to rage and doing what I could to continue the life I no longer found myself wanting to play. As I went through my teenage years I was exposed to an unforgettable quote which read “forgive and forget…just let it go” which touched me in a profound way as if finding the answer I have been hoping for, the ladder that can get me out of the cesspool of darkness I have been so acquainted with. Renewed with a sense of optimism I set out to “forgive and forget” my past and look to the future. Becoming a daily mantra I kept saying to myself those powerful words but as time went by I achieved forgiveness but had a difficult time in completing the supposed final step, still haunted by memory of the experience.
It was only when I discovered meditation and Awaken The Divine You a few years ago I began to understand that these memories will always be a part of me and that it cannot be forgotten because trying to forget a memory is like rejecting a part of your life which has shaped you.
This left me with the ultimate question, what am I letting go then? Previously imagined as throwing away garbage you don’t need, the act of letting go has nothing to do with the specific memories or experiences that has wounded us but the emotions and thoughts that do not help us to live a better and happier life. Diligently meditating to delve deep into the inner storm pulling out all of the pollutants ranging from anger to shame to sadness I began to see sunshine in my world again. And it is this very sunshine that brought a lot of attention, help, support and love from others particularly my family and closest friends which became a lighthouse in my journey of healing, processing and letting go as they began to discover the secrets I have been keeping all of these years. The past experience that created the storm in the first place are still there but they are now artifacts displayed in the museum of my consciousness acting as a beautiful reminder of my strength, resilience and how far I have come. When we want to let go, remember that you cannot erase the life lessons and experiences that has shaped you, but we can move on and move forward from the thoughts and emotions which created the scar in the first place. I know how lucky I am to still be alive and to have the support system I have today so if you have gone through something difficult or traumatic, please take my advice and reach out because if you open up there will always be someone willing to listen, to help and to love you.
Be well. Be Happy. You are not alone.