Nick Coulter
Passionate Pathways Specialist
In-house Practitioner
The Golden Space
Overcoming your fears of failure and rejection guides you towards the path of personal success.
One of the saddest aspects of our modern life is that we are ruled by our ancient need to belong to a tribe.
This core fear that we have, holds you back from what you truly desire and deserve in your life. In my opinion, the number one barrier in achieving success in your life is your avoidance of rejection and failure. It is a negative mindset bias that holds us back from focusing on stepping out towards our own success.
Millions of people take their dreams to the grave as they never pursue their desires to be more creative, more social, more outgoing, bolder, and honor themselves and what they truly desire. They take the regrets of having wanted to be a better musician to perform, to be an artist who paints, to follow their love for food as a chef or whatever they desire is that they haven’t fulfilled because of a fear of rejection and failure.
This fear is biologically and culturally hardwired into us from hundreds of thousands of years ago. The tribal culture was core to our survival in these early times. It was core to our physical protection and was linked to the need for shelter and food. Being part of a tribe was key to that survival. Fitting in and being part of that tribe was a dominant survival instinct, reinforced by the fear of exposure to the primal predators. The desire to fit in and not get kicked out of the tribe is a core focus for survival, as was not getting eaten alone.
Jim Carrey said, “Your need to fit in will make you invisible in this world.” If you are boldly asking the universe for what you feel you need by taking a chance to follow your passion, using your natural talents, he asks you to risk standing out and keep overcoming those limiting beliefs in your life which hold back your individualized success.
When you think about your role models, all those successful and visionary people, they all had to do something different from the norm in the ability to break through the average. They had to be able to think outside this box of conformity and go where others happened to find this success. Your role models have gone outside of their comfort zone to find their success. To trust in themselves and take a chance on their authentic individuality.
So what’s stopping you?
A study has found that being lonely is the same as having 15 cigarettes per day. You are 50% more likely to die prematurely and people are socially active. This reveals the importance of quality social interaction for balanced health, but also the core need to belong to a social group.
The outcome of these findings and the combination of other studies reveal that from the moment of birth we are hardwired to be social and to have contact with others. That the need to belong is in our biological and mental wiring. The avoidance of rejection and failure is built into our emotions.
In the modern-day, we are not going to die from getting kicked out of our tribe but we do experience the same feelings of physical hurt when we are socially ostracised. It is still there ingrained deep within us. It is the same part of our brain that senses physical pain as well as social pain. It is your awareness of this feeling of pain in your body, this feeling of fear, and understanding what this fear is, that is your key to success.
When you feel this tell-tale feeling you are about to venture into the unknown. You've already been told you’re about to grow. You were leaving your comfort zone and entering the unknown. Be aware of what the fear is. What’s the worst thing that can happen if what you’re about to do doesn’t come true? If you are unsuccessful or rejected in your efforts to follow your heart?
Consider the potentials of success rather than focusing on the failures. What is the worst thing that can happen if you ask for a pay rise, you are told no? What about trying a new business venture following your passion? You may well become abundant and enjoy your life or you might have to return to doing what you used to do. Perhaps it might be something as simple as making a cold call or a sales call. What’s the worst thing that can happen they can say no, or they can say yes. What’s the better outcome? Growth, success, greater happiness, and fulfillment?
“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success.
If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.”
— Albert Schweitzer
Focus on the potential for you to be living the best version of yourself not the other side of this, the fear-based limited self. Which one would you prefer? Without a question, many would desire the first. You have to remember the universe is geared positively and wants you to succeed. It is plotting all the time to assist you in every moment, waiting for you to take the potentials which are provided endlessly. Importantly, it is never too late to take even the smallest steps in the direction of your joy.
“I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.”
~ George Burns
Focus on the best of you and what your unique self is. Your unique self is that person desiring expression, to get out. This could be that special way in your approach that is the one thing that makes what previously has it been attempted, but has been unsuccessful. It is your unique contribution and way of doing something that makes it successful.
When you head to a new venture be aware of your hardwired fear of rejection and failure. The physical fear of knowing it could go wrong. Your reptilian brain is already looking for possible risks. It is on high alert. It is your evolved self-awareness that now separates you from your tribal survival mechanisms. Be aware of your red brain flags.
When you succeed, when you first were aware of that fear, reflect back and know that your confidence has grown. You are learning to be a risk-taker and honor your inner self. You are learning to be more authentic and be the best version of yourself. It might be uncomfortable for a while but it is the pathway to success.
Another parallel is if you have a great idea at work and don’t share it, your potential is not able to come to fruition. The worst case is that your boss says no. The best case is it a huge success and leads to much higher work satisfaction and recognition. Your uniqueness is valued and so is your contribution.
Competition is born from individuals doing the “same thing”. It is a fear-based illusion – assimilation or annihilation. It is a survival instinct. On the other hand, collaboration is valuing the unique contributions of individuals to make the whole. It is born from tribal culture and community (unity). Everyone working together to create a whole community functioning and coexisting. Agreed conformity within agreed norms creates cultural bias. It is all working together to fulfill the needs of the community you are part of.
Be aware of your negative bias and your fear of rejection and failure. Awareness is a key step in finding a pathway out because someone will give you energy in the potential for your success and help assist the avoidance of failure. A great first step is to seek out positive influences, those who want to grow beyond their limiting beliefs and find the culture of growth and expansion which you align to. One which encourages personal growth and helps your stay connected to your heart when you trip on your journey. Move to your strengths and acknowledge your weaknesses whilst moving forward in the pursuit of your success.
Remember that “judging a fish for its ability to climb a mountain is not fair, but to judge it for its ability to swim is more appropriate.” If you’re a good swimmer but are too fearful to swim you are selling yourself short. Work with what your good at and have a passion to do and success will manifest around you.
Join the Pursuit of Success workshop on July 3 to know more about what success means to you and start your journey to live a life of Success on your own term.